Roadtrip!
by Collie Parkillo
Summary: Ray Garraty signed up for a nice, relaxing tour of Northern France, not to hang out with the guy who doesn't understand the meaning of personal space, an obnoxious blind kid, probably gay best friends, and in short, a lot more than he bargained for. Crack. /Please, for the love of god, don't take this seriously.
1. This is Going to Be a Long Trip

**Author's Note: I don't even know where this came from but somehow I'm very proud of it. **

**Disclaimer: Only the stupid plot is mine.**

Ray Garraty was pretty sure that this wasn't the bus he was supposed to be standing in front of.

He wasn't sure which of his parents had decided that 'sightseeing would be good for him,' but whichever one it had been, he would've appreciated some warning. He'd been woken up at 3 AM and driven to an airport, only to be met with an extremely long weight and an even longer flight to France and then a confusing time difference. And the food at the airport had been horrible.

Yeah, this wasn't going well so far. Garraty didn't complain a lot, but this was something worth complaining about.  
He considered asking the bus number, but the driver was a tall man in mirrored sunglasses, and he didn't look too friendly. Through the door, Garraty thought he could see him smoking a cigarette, which Garraty was pretty certain was illegal. That made him look even more unapproachable.

"Hey." Garraty felt an arm wrap around his shoulders and he jumped. "Whoa, calm down." He turned around to see a tall, lanky, smirking boy with a thin scar on one cheek.

"Uh, sorry. You sort of freaked me out."

"I can see that. Pete McVries, and who might you be?"

"Uh, I'm Ray Garraty." The expression on McVries' face was making Garraty slightly uncomfortable. He wondered if he was drunk or something.

"Well, Ray Garraty, what inspired you to be standing out in the freezing cold waiting for a bus to see some nice scenery in a country that you probably only associate with the Eiffel Tower?"

"You're..."

McVries smiled at him. "What am I?"

"Nevermind. My parents thought it would be good for me, or some bullshit like that."

The driver appeared to notice them, but then simply leaned back in his chair and took a deep puff of his cigarette. "What a rude man," McVries remarked.

Garraty noted that he still hadn't removed his arm from around his shoulders. McVries appeared to notice him looking down at his arm and blushing, and drew him closer. "What, aren't you cold too? I'm doing you a favor."

After a few more minutes of standing there awkwardly, the driver finally let them in, grunting as they passed him. Garraty was about to take a seat somewhere preferably far away from McVries, but McVries pulled him into a seat beside him. "Ah, this is much better. Warmer."

"Yeah," Garraty agreed. McVries had let go of him for a moment, but then surprised him by wrapping his arm around his shoulders again. Garraty suddenly felt the need to blurt out, "I have a girlfriend."

"Who said I was flirting?"

Garraty sighed and looked around. A few other boys had come into the bus. A redhead in the aisle next to them was playing something loud and angry on his iPhone, and a few people had assembled in the front of the bus.

There was a loud banging sound on the doors and Garraty looked up. There was one last loud bang, and an angry-looking blond boy entered. "What the fuck was that! Keep the goddamn doors open!" He was almost snarling, and Garraty found himself shrinking back into his seat.

The bus driver just looked at him, then went back to staring off into space. "Say something, you goddamn motherfucker!"

"Language," McVries said.

"Shut the fuck up."

McVries rolled his eyes and said to Garraty. "Really, Ray, some people are so touchy."

"I'm Collie fucking Parker and I'm not touchy." He made a huffing sound and then sat down next to the redhead in the pair of seats next to Garraty and McVries. Parker looked him up and down for a few minutes, and then said out of nowhere, "Holy shit."

The redhead took out his headphones and looked at Parker. "Holy fuck. Parker? I didn't know you signed up for this thing."

"Neither did I," Parker said gruffly.

The redhead laughed. "I, personally, enjoy seeing the majestic sights of Northern France."

"Huh. Fitting, Abe." Garraty guessed that that was the redhead's name.

"Did you know that Abraham Lincoln hated being called Abe?" Abraham, after all, that was probably his full name, playfully shoved Parker.

"I know you don't, though."

McVries chimed in, "Just a note, you two are acting like a married couple."

Both of them glared at him. "Who fuckin' asked you?" Parker's Midwestern accent made everything sound somewhat more menacing.

Over a period of about fifteen minutes, a multitude of boys had gotten onto the bus. Why there was only boys was beyond the passengers. Maybe this was a gender-exclusive trip. That would have been pretty stupid, though.

The driver finally spoke into the microphone. "It appears that you're all here." His voice was husky and irritated.

Just as he was about to say the next thing, there was a "Wait!" and a loud crash. Garraty leaned over McVries to see a small, olive-skinned boy try to run in and end up careening over the stairs. "Art!" he practically wailed.

"Barkovitch, you can get up by yourself. You're not a toddler," said a boy who had come up behind the boy sprawled out on the floor. He was groping around for something, and then Garraty noticed sunglasses on the ground in front of him. Holy shit, they were right in front of his face.

"Can you get my glasses?"

The other boy, presumably Art, sighed and grabbed the glasses, putting them on Barkovitch's face. Barkovitch got up and brushed himself off. "I fucking hate stairs. I hope they're outlawed someday and replaced by nice ramps. Yeah, I'd fucking love it if everything was just ramps!"

The whole bus had been staring at the two for about the last five minutes. Barkovitch grumbled something about goddamn stairs and started making his way to the back of the bus, followed by the exasperated-looking blond who was apparently Art.  
"Now, are you all here?" The driver said, paying no attention to Art and Barkovitch.

"I'll fucking sue you for those fucking stairs," Barkovitch whined loudly. Art shushed him, and Garraty was suddenly very unhappy that the pair had decided to sit behind him and McVries. He leaned back and looked at Barkovitch, who was glaring at the back of the seat from behind his sunglasses.

"I'm, um, sorry about him. I'm Art Baker, and this is Gary Barkovitch." He smiled uncomfortably, trying to make up for their embarrassing entrance. "He's, um, visually impaired."

"I'm fucking blind, Art. There's a difference."

"Alright, fine. This is Gary Barkovitch and he's _fucking blind._ So, yeah, uh, I'm sorry..."

"It's fine," Garraty said, trying to make it less awkward. "If he's blind, I mean..."

"Stop fucking talking about me like I'm not here."

He may have been blind, but he was also a huge asshole. Parker and Abraham, who'd been in deep conversation for the past couple of minutes, looked back at Barkovitch. "I fucking hate you already," Parker remarked.

Baker sighed loudly and folded his arms. "Gary, you haven't exactly made a great impression..."

"You know, sometimes I think you're my mother in disguise."

"Yeah, Barkovitch, I'm your mother in disguise. Your mother is a seventeen-year-old boy from Louisiana."

"Good to know."

McVries pulled Garraty back. "Charming people, aren't they?"

Garraty rolled his eyes. "Sure are. You have to be nice to blind people, though, don't you?"

"Yeah, that's fucking right!" yelled Barkovitch from the seat behind.

Garraty sighed and closed his eyes. This was going to be a long trip.

* * *

**I love writing blind!Barkovitch so much. On a side note, you know how Aurora did that thing in the LOTF 1990 parody where she had the characters answer questions from the reviewers at the end? Well, I think I'll do that. So, yeah, um, do the thing.**


	2. Everyone's a Little Bit Homosexual

**Author's Note: i started this at like 5 AM, which probably explains why it makes very little sense.**

**disclaimer: not mine not mine not mine**

* * *

Garraty just decided that it would be better to ignore everyone and observe the scenery. Not that there was much to observe, it was really just a parking lot right now. But it was better than looking at yelling, swearing Parker or McVries, whose arm was still quite tight around his shoulders.

Honestly, did the guy not know what having a girlfriend meant? Yeah, maybe he'd never kissed her, but...

"Hey, Ray."

Garraty realized that that rhymed. "What?"

"It appears that you have a text."

Garraty looked down at his somewhat outdated iPhone. "Huh. I do." He smiled as he realized it was from Jan, but that smile quickly faded.

McVries peered over to look at the text and a look of confusion came over him.

_Hey, Ray :) I've got something to tell you. While you were at the airport I met this girl Priscilla and, uh I'm breaking up with you. that's the best way I can say it? but yeah, we're breaking up. I'm really sorry and we can still be friends, but... :)_

"Are you _serious?!" _Garraty almost threw his phone down on the ground, but McVries grabbed his arm to stop him. His face was flushed and he looked about as happy as he felt.

Suddenly McVries started laughing uncontrollably. "Wait, what the fuck. Your girlfriend just broke up with you to be a lesbian with what seems to be _my ex-girlfriend."_

Garraty looked at him dumbfoundedly. "That's...weird."

"So? Now that you haven't got a girlfriend..." McVries leaned forward until his lips were about a millimeter away from Garraty's cheek.

"I'm not gay," blurted out a terrified Garraty.

In the next aisle, Parker and Abraham appeared to have been holding in laughter and finally weren't able to for any longer. Garraty turned red and attempted to push McVries away.

"Art, what's going on, why the fuck is everyone laughing?!" Barkovitch succeeded in making the moment even more awkward.

"Garraty and McVries looked like they were going to kiss," Baker said helpfully.

"What the hell. I'm glad that I can't see that, I think I'd be sick. Being blind is great."

"That's the first time I've ever heard anybody say that," Abraham remarked. "I thought it was a disability."

"I can't see your ugly face, so yeah, being blind is fucking fantastic."

Abraham turned to Baker. "How do you put up with this guy?"

Baker smiled. "Oh, he's my community service project for school. My whole school thinks I'm some kind of hero. And his parents pay me."

"You never told me about that!" Barkovitch tried to shove Baker but missed and ended up elbowing the seat. Baker laughed and said something to him that Garraty couldn't make out. But Garraty really didn't care.

Jesus Christ, had his girlfriend really just broken up with him over an iMessage text?! Also, for McVries' ex-girlfriend?! He didn't actually know if that was true, but McVries would probably know his own ex. Maybe there were lots of Priscillas in the world. This was just one of many.

And why'd she break up with him?! It wasn't like he'd been a bad boyfriend, had he? "Am I a bad boyfriend?" Oh, god, he hadn't meant to say that aloud.

"No, Ray, you're lovely." McVries smiled at him and looked like he was about to kiss him on the forehead.

Thanks a lot, McVries. "U-uh..."

Before McVries could respond, Parker said very loudly, "Oh my fucking god, guys, get a fucking room or something!"

Garraty turned even redder and shrunk against the window. McVries looked slightly concerned. "Hey, breakups are hard, believe me, I know." He slipped his arm around Garraty again, and Garraty was actually sort of grateful. Since he didn't have any friends around to cheer him up by taking him to Applebee's or something, McVries was good enough.

Maybe they could be friends. Just friends. Not boyfriends or anything. Just friends.

"It's only been like ten minutes of this goddamn trip and we already have a couple, drama, and a dickwad," Parker remarked.

"What does dickwad even mean?" Abraham said thoughtfully. "Actually, I don't really want to think about it."

Parker rolled his eyes. "A wad of something on..."

"Don't say it."

Parker laughed and clapped Abraham on the back. Just then, a rather tall, blonde boy and a smaller boy of the same hair color seemed to be trying to make their way to the back. "Mind if I join you back here? I was making the people in the front uncomfortable." The first boy winked.

"I don't think I want to know," Abraham said.

"Oh, nothing major, I was just telling Stebbins over here about the time when I-"

"We really don't want to know," Baker said awkwardly.

"I'm Davidson, by the way." He winked again. God, what was up with this guy and winking? The smaller blonde boy whispered something to Davidson, who responded with, "No, I'm not going to stop winking."

The other boy, presumably Stebbins, rolled his eyes and Davidson hit him playfully. "Let me finish my story, now." The pair went to sit down a few seats down from Abraham and Parker.

Garraty was actually convinced that this tour had just taken all of life's rejects and shoved them on a bus together in an attempt to see who would murder each other first. Personally, his bet was on Barkovitch and Baker.

"Hey, Barkovitch, what're fucking you looking at me like that for?" Parker glared at the blind boy.

"I'm not looking at you like anything, I'm fucking blind."

"Your fucking sunglasses just seem to be glaring at me."

Baker chimed in, "Is this a contest to see who can say the word 'fucking' more?"

Barkovitch ignored him and said cheerfully, "Ah, that's what great about my sunglasses. With them, right now I could be thinking about having hot, furious sex with Baker and none of you would ever be able to tell."

There was a collective 'oh my fucking god' and Baker turned pink. "Gary, that's disgusting."

Barkovitch had started blushing as well, or at least he appeared to be from behind his sunglasses. "I'm not thinking about that, by the way."

"Good!" Baker still seemed to be traumatized from hearing Barkovitch say that.

Garraty had almost forgotten about his girlfriend by now, and suddenly thoughts of her came back to him. "My girlfriend broke up with me over a text today, Barkovitch. Got any advice?"

"Good for her for getting out of that relationship."

Baker shoved him. "That was rude."

"What? It's true."

"She broke up with me for some girl who was McVries's ex."

"Wait, you're serious?" Garraty nodded and Barkovitch immediately started laughing. "What the actual..."

"That proves that it's true love," McVries said from next to Garraty.

"We're not in a relationship."

"Not yet."

Davidson appeared to be saying something about bondage and seemed to ask Stebbins if he wanted to try it sometime. There was one of those situations where everyone immediately stops talking at once and there's a long, awkward silence pinpointed at one person.

"I'm actually convinced that I'm the only person on this whole fucking thing who isn't a goddamn flaming homosexual," Parker said, throwing up his hands in defeat.

"Are you sure?" Abraham asked.

Parker hit him.

* * *

**i don't know what i'm doing. **

**wow i haven't written davidson/stebbins in awhile that is a really good crack pairing**

**yeah.**


	3. A Heart Full Of Shut Up

**i started this at like 11 pm i tend to write this when i'm sleep-deprived which i think explains everything  
disclaimer: characters do not belong to me.**

* * *

Unsurprisingly, Davidson was telling another story.

"And I remember this time when I put him in this really cute maid outfit and then we-"

"That was _one time!"_ Stebbins slapped him.

"That's a mental image I don't think I'll ever unsee. And I'm blind," Barkovitch said.

Parker gave a loud, exasperated sigh and glared at Davidson. "Jesus fucking Christ, nobody wants to hear it! First them-"Here he gestured at Garraty and McVries. "And now you two! I'm fucking done!"

"Calm down." Abraham patted his shoulder. Parker glared at him.

"I'm not gay," Garraty said again.

"Oh, really," Stebbins said sarcastically.

Barkovitch laughed. "Stebbins is right, I think you're all so gay I'm surprised that you don't sparkle. Or whatever it is that gays do."

"Gays are just people like us," Baker said, smiling. "You shouldn't be so stereotypical, Barkovitch."

"I bet McVries sparkles, though."

McVries tsked. "Speak for yourself. You're the one who said you wanted to fuck Baker."

"I never said that!"

"You did." McVries smirked.

"Did not!"

Baker was looking slightly traumatized by all this. "I'm not going to do that with anyone until I'm married," he declared, looking down at his feet.

"Like anyone'll ever want to marry your dumb hick face," Parker muttered. "You're going to end up living alone with Barkovitch for the rest of your life."

Stebbins seemed to ponder this. "Isn't that the same thing as marriage?" From what Garraty had seen of Stebbins, Stebbins seemed to think that everyone was gay for each other. Including Stebbins himself and Davidson.

Baker blushed. "No, marriage is when you love somebody and you decide to-"

"How about we don't do this?" Barkovitch snapped. "The word love makes me want to vomit."

"I'm with you there," McVries said. "At least most of the time." He looked over at Garraty and smiled.

Suddenly Garraty had the urge to create a large sign reading 'WE ARE NOT IN A RELATIONSHIP' and carry it around with him everywhere. "My girlfriend broke up with me like an hour ago, so I guess I am too," he said. "But maybe we'll get back together!" He tried to sound cool and optimistic but really just sounded a bit pathetic.

"Psh, she won't get back together with you. Or maybe she will, seeing as she's dating my ex-girlfriend. I'm still confused as to why anyone would ever want to be with Priscilla." McVries touched the scar on his cheek.

There was a loud crackling sound and the driver said something about the castles of Western Brittany. Garraty tried to tune out Baker and Barkovitch arguing about sparkling or love or something.

"Valentine's Day is coming up," Parker said in a sing-song voice. "Why don't you get Barkobitch over here one of those sparkly-ass cards covered in pink hearts."

"Last year on Valentine's Day Stebbins and I-"

"I really hope this doesn't involve maid outfits," Abraham said, staring solemnly up at the ceiling of the bus.

"Oh, no, this time it was-"

"Shut_ up,_ Davidson!"

The driver started playing some song from Les Miserables at the top of the volume. Why a man who looked like he belonged in the army was listening to Broadway musicals was beyond them.

"Hey, Parker, don't you know the words to this song?" Abraham elbowed his angry, blonde friend.

"No, I fucking don't!"

"C'mon, Collie..." Abraham slung an arm around Parker's shoulders. "A heeearrtt full of loooveee..."

Parker turned red and mumbled, "No fear, no regrets..."

"My name is Marius Pontmercy..."

"And mine's Cosette..." Parker probably said that louder than he had originally intended, because almost the entire bus turned to look at him and Abraham. "It's part of the song!"

"I've never seen these stupid fucking musical, but aren't Marius and Cosette in love or some shit?" Barkovitch raised his eyebrows. Or at least it looked like he did. It was hard to tell behind his sunglasses.

Parker looked embarrassed beyond belief. In all honesty, seeing Parker blush was hilarious. He looked less like an angry redneck and more like a really dumb highschooler. Which was what he was.

"Cosette, I don't know what to say..."

"Then make no sound..."

"How about you both shut the fuck up?" Barkovitch crossed his arms and appeared to be pouting. Abraham and Parker, however, took no notice of him.

"I am lost."

"I am found!"

There was a loud, husky voice over the speaker. "Please quiet down back there." Barkovitch made a huffing noise and seemed to be trying to hold back laughter.

"A heart full of light..."

"A night bright as day..."

Davidson chimed in with "Are you sure you're not gay lovers? I mean, you're singing about hearts filled with love or something, and I mean, it's from a musical..."

Abraham paused for a moment. "Did you know that sometimes Parker will literally just break into Broadway songs for no discernable reason? It's hilarious. Sometimes dances to them, too."

"Shut the fuck up! I happen to know that Abe...uh...Abe...Abe memorized the entire Emancipation Proclamation when he was four because he was convinced that he was going to grow up into Abraham Lincoln!"

Abraham blushed almost the color of his hair. "I was four. That makes it excusable. However, when we were walking to your house, you just started singing 'Tonight' from West Side Story in the middle of a field."

"You joined in! And you sang the girl part!"

McVries, who had been silent for almost all of this, suddenly burst out laughing. "Oh my god. Oh my fucking god."

Garraty vaguely remembered watching the movie of West Side Story with Jan. She'd loved it. He'd thought it was a little bit weird, but since she loved he'd put up with it. "Did you do all the appropriate actions too?" He asked.

"Like what?"

"You know how they like hold each other and-"

"Fuck, no!" Both boys said it at the same time, which made it appear slightly less believable to Garraty.

"Yeah, right." Barkovitch snorted and Parker reached over and grabbed his sunglasses. "Hey! Give those back!"

"I'm not fucking queer!"

"Alright, alright, but give me back my damn sunglasses!"

Parker smirked and handed them back to Barkovitch. Baker patted his shoulder comfortingly. "I'll poke Parker if he does that again."

"I'll kill you if you poke Parker," Abraham said.

McVries added cheerfully, "And then you both will get kicked off of the bus for violence."

* * *

**this is in homage to the les miserables au that i never finished  
r.i.p**


	4. No Homo, Honestly

**disclaimer: the long walk is really actually not mine at all**

* * *

"Why the fuck is there a bathroom on this thing?"

"Are you complaining about the fact that there's a bathroom? Because that's ridiculous." Stebbins snorted.

Abraham suddenly turned to Barkovitch and asked, "If you're blind, how do you even use the bathroom?"

"Oh my fucking god." Barkovitch attempted to do a facepalming gesture but ending up hitting himself in the face and knocking his sunglasses off. "Art, can you get those?" Both Stebbins and Abraham laughed, and Barkovitch told both of them to do some rather obscene acts to themselves and their mother.

"I have to use the bathroom," he announced. "Who wants to show me there so I don't end up falling on some poor, innocent passenger or breaking a limb on the tiny stairs?"

"I'll do it," Baker offered. "After all, when don't I? And I'll spare y'all the pain of having to lead him places."

There was a relieved sigh from the other boys and Barkovitch gave them all the finger. Or at least he tried to jab it in their direction.

As Barkovitch and Baker made their way to the bathroom, McVries suddenly laughed. "What is it?"

"Why the fuck is Baker going into the bathroom with Barkovitch?"

"I don't think I want to know," Parker said. "Besides, let those dicks be gay in the shitty little bus bathroom anyways. I've been on one of these fuckin' things before, and the bathrooms always stink." As if on cue, some loud noises started coming from the bathroom.

"I can't open the fucking door!"

"Did you just lock us inside the damn bathroom?" Barkovitch seemed to start banging on the door irritably.

"Should we let them out?" Garraty seemed to be the only person who was even mildly concerned that Baker and Barkovitch seemed to be stuck in the probably smelly and disgusting tour bus bathroom.

Abraham waved his hand dismissively. "Nah. They're probably keeping themselves occupied somehow."

Stebbins chimed in, "And this is hilarious."

"It's also a hell of a lot quieter without fucking Barkovitch," Parker grumbled. "God, I'm really starting to hope he stays in there forever."

"In conclusion, the pros of locking Baker and Barkovitch in the bathroom outweigh the cons." Stebbins looked quite pleased with the whole situation.

McVries sighed happily and drew Garraty closer to him for what seemed to be about the eighth time. Honestly, one would think that they'd gotten close enough together already.

"I'm not actually gay," Garraty said. He was feeling an extreme need to emphasize this fact of his personality.

"The more you say that, the less we believe it." Abraham had a way of making everything he said sound extremely solemn and important.

"I'm not gay either," McVries said.

"Now, that I just don't fuckin' believe. Period," Parker muttered.

"I never said I wasn't of any other sexuality." McVries winked at Garraty, looking eerily like Davidson.

"Well, you are sort of...attractive, I guess. No homo, you know."

"Did you just say _no homo?"_ Abraham appeared to be trying to hold back an extreme bout of laughter. After a few minutes of biting down on his lower lip in an attempt to hold it back, he just gave up.

"You say that all the goddamn time." Parker smirked at his friend.

"When have I ever said that?"

Parker made a dramatic hand gesture and imitated Abraham's extremely deep, solemn voice that was reminiscent of the dark lord Satan. It was a really horrible imitation because of Parker's heavy accent, but somehow that made it quite a bit funnier. "'Hey, Collie, have you been working out? Uh, I mean, no homo or anything, but you look really good. Without your shirt, I mean. Yeah. No homo.'"

The entire back seat erupted into laughter. "I have never once in my entire existence said that, Collie Parker."

"Yeah, you have. Several fuckin' times, in fact."

Garraty looked around uncomfortably. "I think I'm going to go let Baker and Barkovitch out of the bathroom."  
"Christ, no. Keep them in for the rest of the goddamn trip," Parker said.

"At least they stopped banging on the door. That was a bit annoying. Although, on the other hand, it was somewhat amusing." Garraty thought to himself that Stebbins had probably been the type of child who set ants on fire for fun.

Garraty made his way to the middle of the bus, nearly tripping on a boy called Pearson's foot. The bathroom looked really, really small. Probably not a very fun place to be stuck with Gary Barkovitch was a surprising lack of noise coming from inside. Garraty braced himself and clicked open the door.

Nothing could have prepared him for what he saw inside.

Baker and Barkovitch were kissing each other. Not just kissing each other, but kissing each other really, really hard. "Uh, guys. I opened the door."

Barkovitch, whose sunglasses were discarded on top of the sink, waved his arms desperately like some sort of weird distress signal. Baker let go of him, and seemed to just notice Garraty. "Oh. He was talking a lot and hitting the door, so I, er..."

"No, it went something like this. 'Hey, Gary, we're alone in the bathroom, wanna kiss?' and I was like 'Yeah, sure, whatever the fuck you want.'"

"That's not true!"

Garraty grimaced and considered going into the bathroom to vomit. "Yeah, I think I'm going to leave you two to it.

Baker and Barkovitch followed him back to their seats. Parker and Abraham were still arguing heatedly over 'no homo' and Davidson was leaning over to tell McVries something that, presumably, since it was Davidson, had to do with sex.

"I'm back," Garraty announced.

"You look a little pale," McVries said.

"You would be too, if you saw the obnoxious blind asshole making out with Baker."

"I was just shutting him up!" Baker said defensively. "He was hitting the door and being annoying, so I just wanted to shut him up without really hurting him."

"Yeah, when I want people to shut up, I totally make out with them," Abraham added sarcastically.

"Actually, once-"

"Shut up, Parker!"

Garraty sat down next to McVries again. "Hey, Ray, if they can kiss-" McVries never finished his sentence, because then he grabbed a very terrified Garraty and kissed him. Garraty squirmed and made loud mmphing sounds. Abraham pulled out his iPhone and in the corner of his eye, Garraty could see that he'd just taken a photograph.

Garraty really just wondered how he'd thought that signing up for this thing was a good idea in the first place.

* * *

**fact: tour bus bathrooms smell really bad and the toilets get clogged kids please don't try this at home **


	5. My Kokoro Is Brokoro (Not)

**disclaimer: the long (painful, life-ruining, tear-filled) walk does not belong to me**

* * *

Garraty fell backwards onto his chair, staring blankly at McVries. "What was _that?"_

"I kissed you, dumbass!" McVries appeared to be completely and utterly ecstatic about this. "We've known each other for like an hour and you kiss better than all my girlfriends combined!"

"Thank god I'm blind," Barkovitch muttered. "I'd fucking _puke_ if I saw that."

"It wasn't so bad," Baker said. "I thought it was sweet."

"We get it, somebody fuckin' kissed Pete. Now stop fucking talking about it." Parker was sharing an earphone with Abraham, and from what Garraty could hear of the obnoxious volume, they were listening to some girl singing a long, intense song about being by herself. It was probably from a musical, knowing Parker.

"What, you don't want us to interrupt your very important listening of the Les Miserables soundtrack?" McVries teased. Parker flushed a bright red color and pretended like he hadn't heard.

Garraty slumped against his seat, which was, as bus seats usually were, a dark shade of blue with some little design that was probably thought of as artistic looking but really just looked weird. He sighed loudly.

"You still think you're not gay?" Davidson said behind them. Garraty didn't respond.

Baker was smiling down at whatever he was reading with the smile of somebody who was either watching porn or writing rude messages on somebod else''s property.

"What're you reading?" Davidson poked his head through the seats and peered over at Baker. "Is that _shounen-ai?!"_

"What the fuck is that," Barkovitch asked flatly.

"Gay manga," Stebbins supplied.

"It's not shounen-ai," Baker said, looking down and blushing, making sure to quickly stuff whatever it was in his bag. "I promise."

"So let me get this straight, you were reading an illustrated book of gay anime characters fucking?"

Barkovitch removed his sunglasses and began to polish them on his sweatshirt. His eyes looked like anybody else's, but they had a sort of quality that reminded him of the eyes of a dead fish. "The fuck are you looking at, Garraty?!"

Garraty stared at him dumbfoundedly. "How do you know I'm looking at you?"  
"I can feel it," he said cryptically, putting his sunglasses back on. This made him look quite a bit cooler than he really was. Garraty considered slapping himself for even considering that Gary Barkovitch might look cool.

"For the last time, I wasn't reading shounen-ai!"

Davidson patted his shoulder. "It's okay, man. We've all got weird kinks. Say, for instance, I'm really into..." There was a collective groan as he went into agonizing detail about the various things he was into and Stebbins looked mildly uncomfortable.

"Please don't tell them about_ that!"_

"Are you ashamed of how much you liked it?" Davidson leaned back and from what everybody could hear, he and Stebbins were passionately making out.

"Jesus fucking Christ." Parker put his head in his hands. "I came here to just see some...I don't know, fuckin' nice French flowers or some shit, and now everybody's trying to fucking...Christ, I don't even know what to call that...swallow each other's goddamn tongues."

"That's an interesting way to put it," Abraham observed.

There were some loud scuffling noises from the front and our heroes heard some colorful language being exchanged. "What's going on up there?" Garraty asked, trying desperately to change the subject.

"I'll go check it out," Barkovitch said.

"You're blind," McVries responded incredulously.

"I know that, dumbo!" Garraty was going to say what an interesting choice of insult that way when Barkovitch pulled himself up and stumbled to the front of the bus, accidentally hitting one of the seats and almost tripping over his own feet once.

Barkovitch returned practically dragging a fairly normal-looking, actually, mousy-haired boy. The boy had latched onto Barkovitch's neck and was whining loudly about financial problems into Barkovitch's sweatshirt. "This little fucking dick apparently snuck in and hid under a seat because he didn't want to pay."

The boy grinned. "It was just too fucking expensive. I mean, how much is a tour of fucking France worth? And hell, I didn't want to spend all of my vacation with my dumb family."

"Isn't not paying for this stuff illegal?" McVries was looking thoughtfully up at the ceiling, as though he'd been pondering this for awhile.

"Everything I do is illegal, because I'm so _badass."_ The boy's grin widened and Garraty felt slightly uncomfortable. "Hank Olson's the name...uh...uh...I couldn't think of a rhyme."

Everyone stared at Olson. Olson stared at everyone.

"I fuckin' hate you already." Parker moaned and amped the music he and Abraham were sharing up about five volume levels.

"What sick beats are you listening to?" Olson asked.

"Did you just say 'sick beats?'" Abraham gazed up at him disbelievingly and looked mildly like he was considering murdering Olson.

"Yeah." Olson blushed and mumbled something that was an either an apology or an insult.

"So, why didn't you pay?" Baker looked genuinely curious. "I thought about it, but then I realized that it would probably be a moral offense."

"It was too much money."

"It was less than a hundred dollars," Garraty said.

Olson threw up his hands and looked devastated. "Why does everybody hate me?"

"Maybe because you use the word 'sick beats' on a daily basis?" Abraham's extremely deep voice made this all sound very menacing.

"Fuck you!"

"You're like Barkovitch but more attractive and not blind," McVries said. Barkovitch looked somewhat offended and Garraty laughed. "Have I ever told you how cute your laugh is, Ray?"

"Um. No."

Olson looked a bit disturbed and looked from Garraty to McVries. "Are you two..."

Garraty said "No!" in unison with McVries' all too enthusiastic "Yes!" There was an eruption of laughter from the whole group, especially Barkovitch. Barkovitch had an incredibly obnoxious laugh that sort of made you want to either punch him or put some tape over his mouth.

"And comparing me to that little shit is offensive," Barkovitch said. "I paid for my dumb, homosexual-filled roadtrip. Sure, it sucks shit, but at least I paid for it!"

There was a loud cough over the driver's microphone, and all of the boys expected him to make some sort of reprimanding speech. None came.

"I think he's insulted," Abraham said slowly.

Olson looked to be on the verge of tears and Barkovitch sighed loudly. "Okay, I'll go sit in the back with you, you fucking law-breaking dickbag."

Baker looked slightly dejected. "Is your kokoro brokoro, Baker?" Davidson and Stebbins had apparently stopped making out, since he had now resumed making fun of Baker for his apparent love of gay manga.

"That's not even correct Japanese," Stebbins interjected.

"I wasn't reading shounen-ai!"

_"Sure."_

"I'm serious!"

_"Sure."_

Garraty thought it probably would have been best for Baker to just give up.

* * *

**i'm so sorry but making fun of olson is really fun i still don't know what i'm doing**


	6. How Much Angst Can You Fit on One iPod?

Olson was, as was the usual by now, making an idiot of himself.

He and Barkovitch had gotten into an intense argument about some TV show that they apparently both watched, and Garraty was really beginning to wish that there was some sort of off switch for Barkovitch.

"How can you even watch Arrested Development?! You're blind!"

"I have ears, you fucking idiot! I'm not deaf!"

"But you can't even see what's going on! How do you even type anyways?"

"I don't, goddamnit!"

Baker sighed melodramatically and absorbed himself in his supposed gay manga. Garraty supposed that he was probably sore about the fact that his community service project had gone back to sit with the obnoxious douche who hadn't paid for his trip.

Thankfully, the noise in the back seemed to have calmed down, although the dialogue between Olson and Barkovitch was still angry and ridden with somewhat creative swears on Barkovitch's swear.

"I've never heard the word 'fuckdamn' used before," Garraty observed.

"It's a match made in heaven," McVries said, glancing back at the blind boy and the possible criminal. He wasn't entirely sure whether it was considered a federal offense not to pay for a bus trip, but either way, Olson had probably broken some other law.

"Oh, please." Parker and Abraham had somehow produced joint headphones and Garraty doubted that they were actually really listening to anything. Knowing Parker and Abraham, they were most likely just listening to the conversation discreetly while musical theatre songs played at low volume.

He and McVries had been unlucky enough to be in possession of the seat in front of Stebbins and Davidson, and the noises which had been coming from their seat were neither appropriate nor particularly pleasant to listen to. "Hey, Ray, want a headphone? I don't think I can stand listening to them anymore." He jerked his thumb at Davidson and Stebbins.

"I don't know what they're doing and I don't think I want to. And sure." McVries produced a small iPod touch which was blaring some loud, angsty rock song about the scars on his heart or something that effect. After that song finished, a similar angsty rock song played. This time it was about a girl breaking up with the singer. "Hey, uh, Pete?"

"Yes?"

"Do you have anything other than breakup songs on your iPod?"

"No," McVries said very seriously.

"Have you been broken up with that many times?" The singer continued wailing-almost literally wailing-about the broken pieces of his heart and how apparently the girl in question stomped on them and burned them or something. If she had really eviscerated him and then burned the pieces, then he probably had been right to get out of that relationship.

"I've only had one girlfriend."

"Did she break up with you?"

"No, Ray, I just have all those songs because I like to imagine that I've actually been in a relationship long enough to have someone dump me. Yes, she broke up with me. And she cut my face open with a letter opener while doing it."

Parker, who had apparently been listening to this whole conversation, said, "That's fuckin' metal."

"What would you know about metal? All you listen to is musical theatre love songs!"

"I have more musical taste than that, goddamn it!" Abraham was trying to hide the fact that he was laughing quite hard. "Shut up, Abe! You were the one who introduced me to Les Miserables!"

"Anyways, about the girl," McVries continued. "I think your girlfriend's dating her now. Her name was Priscilla and she was a bitch."

"...Okay."

"Yeah, she and I worked at a fucking pyjama factory for a little bit. I hated that job. Smelled like piss all the time and everyone was an asshole. And it only barely paid."

"Wait, this was in New Jersey, right?"

"Yeah."

"My mom gets my pyjamas from somewhere in New Jersey."

"Good to know that I might have manufactured your boxers."

The entire back of the bus suddenly went quiet, as it always seemed to whenever anyone said anything even mildly embarrassing. Garraty wondered if there was some sort of magical property to the bus that was made to embarrass them.

"Oh my fucking god," Barkovitch said, sounding exasperated as ever. It appeared that Barkovitch had about two emotions he was capable of: irritable and exasperated. Usually more irritable, though.

"Hey, Baker, do you know if Barkovitch have any emotions other than really really annoyed and really exasperated with everybody?"

Baker put down whatever he was reading and considered it. "He's sweet sometimes. He's got a good side, if you look hard enough."

"I heard that!" Barkovitch snapped. "I do not! I've certainly got more emotions than irritated, though, so fuck you!"

Baker shook his head thoughtfully. "You're so tsundere."

"What does that even mean?!"

Davidson, who appeared to have finished whatever inappropriate activity he and Stebbins had been doing-Garraty really wasn't sure how you could do that in the small space of tour bus seats-, chimed in, "Oh, it means you're constantly in denial about yourself and your relationships with other people. It usually applies to yelling teenage girls with large eyes and schoolgirl uniforms."

"I'm not going to wear a schoolgirl uniform!"

"Nobody ever said you had to. But if you want to spice things up a bit..." Davidson winked unnervingly.

"Why are you always winking like that, Davidson?" Baker looked more embarrassed than ever and was staring down at his feet. A large blush had crept across his face.

"Like what?"

"Like this." Baker cocked his head at a slight angle and smirked.

"You look like an idiot," Davidson said frankly.

McVries cut into their conversation. "Here, let me demonstrate." He wrapped arm around Garraty's waist and winked. Garraty had a strong urge to squirm. It was almost more unnerving than when Davidson did it, but nothing could be more unnerving than Davidson winking.

"Ohh," Davidson said, with mock understanding. "Like that. Do I have to give you the sex talk, Baker?"

"What?!" Baker looked mildly horrified.

Olson peered over the top of the seats, looking as though he was watching a particularly exciting action movie. "Dude, I never even got that from my parents! I looked it all up on Urban Dictionary!"

"That explains why you're such a fucking idiot," Barkovitch muttered under his breath.

"Hey! I am so not!"

Barkovitch tried to slap the other boy and ended up hitting the back of his seat, and yelled some obscene things at Olson, who evaded all of his clumsy attempts. He smirked and backed out of the seating aisle, leaving Barkovitch swiping awkwardly at the air while still yelling.

"I'm right here, Barkovitch."

"You little_ shit!" _

* * *

**i don't even know what the plot of this is anymore**


End file.
